Wufei Can Cook
by Helaine85
Summary: This is about Quatre and Duo's lil mission to discover the creator of their new obsession with breakfast foods... sorry it's so weird! R&R Please!


Wufei Can Cook  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. I just enjoy torturing them in these bizarre little fics. This is written for my enjoyment, as well as that of the people out there reading this.  
  
Author's Note: The title is kind of a parody for the fanfic Relena Can't Cook, on the Domain of Duo site. You don't need to read that story to understand this one, although it was really good so I recommend reading it anyway. Now, on with the fanfiction.  
  
   
  
Quatre awoke to the sweet song of a lark that nested in the cherry tree by his window. The golden rays of morning sunlight poured through the open window, warming his face. He smiled and sat up gazing out at the many pink flowers and the beautiful gardens down below.  
  
Sighing, he breathed in deeply, taking in all the scents of the Sanc Kingdom countryside. But a new aroma rose to mingle with them, warm and inviting, bringing with it the smell of herbs and spices.  
  
Following the wonderful smell, he soon found himself in front of the kitchen door. Inside he could hear someone whistling a somewhat foreign song as they moved dishes around.  
  
"Hey Quatre! What are-" Duo's voice was cut off as Quatre clamped a firm hand over it. The Arab put a finger to his lips indicating silence. Duo nodded in understanding.  
  
"What are you doing?" he whispered.  
  
"Do you smell that wonderful scent, too? Someone's cooking in there," Quatre said.  
  
"So let's find out who it is," Duo said and pushed past him to the door. Without a second thought, the American swung the door open and burst in. The kitchen was empty.  
  
"I know someone was in here a minute ago," Quatre stated.  
  
"Looks like the disappeared. But whoever it was left their breakfast behind," he pointed out practically drooling all over the food. "Why don't we have some?"  
  
"No Duo. We didn't make it," Quatre said.  
  
"Oh, come on. I'm sure they wouldn't mind sharing," Duo pleaded then stopped for a moment as images of guns and katanas flashed through his mind. He quickly dismissed those thoughts. "You know you want some Quatre. Let's just have a little."  
  
"Oh, all right," Quatre said, giving in more to wonderful the wonderful appeal of the food that to Duo's begging.  
  
So they ate the amazing food, which was so good that it was completely gone long before the others got up (Duo and Quatre always got up early to watch cartoons anyway, and with no mission, Heero and Trowa liked to sleep in, while Wufei went to the dojo.  
  
So this went on for one week, and yet Quatre and Duo were never able to discover who this heavenly cook could be.  
  
"Well, we know it isn't Heero," Duo said, shuddering at the thought of his comrade's terrible culinary skills. And he thought Relena was bad…  
  
"And it can't be either of us, so that leaves Wufei and Trowa," Quatre continued.  
  
"And considering Wufei's views on cooking, it's more than likely to be Trowa."  
  
So they thought over plansm and formulated ideas, plotted routes and in the end came to one final conclusion. They would follow Trowa.  
  
   
  
Day 1 8:00 AM  
  
After eating yet another truly heavenly breakfast, they crept upstairs to Trowa's room. After climbing past over, under and around various circus equipment, they managed to find Trowa who was using a rectangular trampoline for his bed.  
  
The Silencer was "supposedly" sleeping and "pretending" to snore loudly he rolled over in his "sleep" and murmured,"Pikachu…"  
  
"Hah!" Duo whispered. "I told you that he was obsessed with Pokemon! Good ol' internet!"  
  
Quatre rolled his eyes. "You're an Amarican born and bred, Duo."  
  
"And proud of it, too!"  
  
"Oh well. Let's go wait by the door until he leaves," Quatre said and the two shuffled away.  
  
Trowa smiled to himself. 'Fooled them,' he thought smugly. 'Now to find out what they want…'  
  
"Jeez, what's taking him so long?" Duo grumbled as he and Quatre sat outside the bathroom door. "He's been in there for nearly an hour!"  
  
"It must be that hair," Quatre decided. "I wonder just how much gel he actually uses…"  
  
At last Trowa left the bathroom and strode down the hall to the stairs. Duo and Quatre cautiously emerged from the shadows, trailing him down to the garage.  
  
Glancing around him suspiciously, Trowa stepped into his car, a black SUV, and started up the engine. Little did he know that as he pulled out of the driveway, there were two Gundam pilots attached to the roof.  
  
"K'so! He's getting on the freeway!" Duo cried as the speed increased from 40 to 100 mph in a matter of seconds.  
  
'  
  
Fortunately for them, Trowa was deaf to their screams as he listened to happily to his blasting radio.  
  
"I want to be, a Pokemon Master…" he sang as the speed continued to increase along with the volume of Duo and Quatre's voices.  
  
"When at last the car stopped, Trowa stepped gently out of the car and walked into an old CD store. Duo and Quatre sat up, both looking a little green.  
  
"Aw crud! My hair band broke," Duo moaned as his braid slowly dissolved into one big chestnut rug of hair. Quatre's hair didn't look much better, being ruffled and completely windblown. Pulling a comb from his pocked he neatly brushed it out. "I always keep a comb with me just in case I happen to run into one of my sisters," he explained.  
  
Duo greedily took it from him and attempted to straighten his own hair. He was unsuccessful and ended up breaking Quatre's comb in the process.  
  
The blond sighed. "Oh well, I'll just buy a new one," he said.  
  
Just then Trowa came out holding a CD in his hand. They threw themselves back against the car, hoping he hadn't seen them. Curiousity overtook Duo and he leaned precariously over the roof to see the CD.  
  
"Duo," Quatre whispered angrily, only to be ignored, he moved forward to grab Duo and haul him bafck up when the car started. With two yells of surprise and protest, they were thrown from the roof to land hard on the pavement.  
  
Duo sat up slowly, painfully bringing a hand up to steady his head. He let out a frustrated sigh as the vehicle disappeared from view, leaving them stranded.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Duo," Quatre snapped as he rubbed his sore back. "I'm not only in pain but ou managed to ruin my clothes, too."  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault he started the car!" Duo yelled back.  
  
"No, but it is your fault that you were hanging half off the car at the time," Quatre retorted. "Look, let's just forget about it. We shouldn't be fighting at all."  
  
"So I've heard," Duo mumbled under his breath. "Now what? I'm getting hungry."  
  
"Me too," Quatre agreed as he looked around him. "But I didn't bring my wallet so I don't have any money."  
  
"Figures," Duo said as he searched his pockets. "I've got about $6.45. Enough for a bus ride halfway home."  
  
"Great. Let's get going then," Quatre said as they sat down at a bus stop. A half an hour went by before the bus came. They climbed on and took a seat in the back next to a suspicious looking old man that smelled of liquor.  
  
He noticed Quatre's worried stare and grinned a yellow lopsided smile that revealed his many missing teeth. Quatre shuddered and turned away.  
  
Duo, used to it after working with salvage crews for so long, just grinned right back.  
  
The trip was a long one since the bus had to keep stopping every five minutes and they were in traffic. At last they reached their destination and were booted off the bus by the burly looking driver.  
  
It was already about 6 PM by that time, and Duo's stomach was growling loudly. The sun set a fiery red as they hitch hiked along the highway. Duo had been holding his thumb out to passing cars for some time now, and it was starting to make Quatre nervous.  
  
"Duo, I wish you wouldn't do that," Quatre yelled over the roar of passing cars. "You don't know what kinds of people might stop."  
  
Duo snorted. "Calm down, willya? You're a Gundam pilot for crying out loud!"  
  
Just then a group of rugged bikers stopped their Harleys beside them. "You two need a lift?"  
  
Quatre was just about to politely refuse and then run like a bat out of hell when Duo cut him off. "Sure! Thanks a lot, man!"  
  
Duo jumped onto the bike with a tall, large, thickly muscled man that looked like he could've beat the pulp out of Heero. Quatre sweatdropped visibly and backed away.  
  
A big brunnette woman grabbed him from behind and hauled him onto her motorcycle. "C'mon, cutie, you can ride with me."  
  
Duo laughed as the took of at a speed way past the limit. "See Quatre, they aren't so bad!"  
  
Day 1, 8 PM  
  
"Thanks a lot guys! You're great!" Duo shouted as he stepped off the Harley.  
  
"Anytime Duo!" the rider bellowed, his neck the size of a tree trunk.  
  
"Hey! Call me sometime, blondie! I'll cross the country for you!" the brunette yelled as a green Quatre jumped off her bike and bolted for the house. With a roar, the bikers took off, leaving only a cloud of smoke to prove their existence.  
  
Running inside, Quatre collapsed in the kitchen, hunger driving him to eat an entire bag of Doritos in less than 3 seconds. Duo just watched in admiration as his friend inhaled the junk food.  
  
"Wow," he breathed. "I didn't know you had it in ya!"  
  
"Mmf," was Quatre's reply as he attacked a bag of cookies and some Wild Cheery Pepsi.  
  
Duo stared for a second longer before doing full justice to his own heap of snacks.  
  
"Good Kami…" Heero breathed as he watched the mountains of food diminish to reveal two of his comrades. Duo with his hair loose and windblown, clothes muddy and Quatre with his overstuffed mouth and pink shirt that was now minus the purple vest.  
  
He looked on for a moment before dissapearing to wherever it is that Heero goes. Another mystery yet to be solved…  
  
After their midnight snack, Duo and Quatre leaned against the now empty cupboards, considering what to do next.  
  
"I don't know about you, but I'm tired of following Trowa and I don't think he's the one we're looking for," Duo said.  
  
"Yeah," Quatre agreed. "Maybe we'd be better off watching Wufei. At least he doesn't go anywhere like Trowa does."  
  
"Well then, tomorrow we set to our plan," Duo said, standing up. "Good night."  
  
   
  
Day 2, 8:45 AM  
  
Duo yawned and stretched lazily. He sat up in bed, his chestnut hair falling in waves all around him. He stumbled down the silent hallway after braiding it, banging softly on Quatre's door on the way past.  
  
Quatre sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. He smiled at the welcoming sunlight before swinging his legs out of bed and getting up. Once downstairs, he heard a loud banging in the kitchen, followed by the sound of rushing water. Rushing into the kitchen, Quatre's worried eyes caught on Duo as he threw down the fork he'd been eating with and ran to the sink with watering eyes.  
  
"Duo! What's wrong?" Quatre cried as the American downed a gallon of water straight from the faucet in about three seconds flat. Duo merely ointed at the half eaten plate of food lying on the counter. Picking up the fork, Quatre cut a piece of a near perfect omlete and raised it to his nose.  
  
His eyes bulged with one smell of the food. Glancing at the trash can, he could see three bottles of empty hot sauce, pieces of jalepeno peppers and one can of ground red pepper. Enough to fuel a Gundam for a week.  
  
"Didn't you smell it before you ate it?" Quatre asked the red-faced Duo.  
  
"No, I was hungry!" Duo protested. "Whoever did this is going to pay!"  
  
"So? This is cruel and unusual punishment! I don't deserve this!" Duo yelled, his voice hoarse from the recently extinguished fire it had suffered. "When I find the one who did this I'm going to beat the living daylights out of them!" Duo swore. "Anybody who sees me has got a date with their maker!"  
  
Quatre sweatdropped. "Duo, we really shouldn't be…"  
  
Duo's glare was enough to shut him up. In fact, it was an impressive replica of the Heero Yuy Deathglare tm.  
  
"Shall we go on with our plan?" he asked. Quatre, looking a little pale, nodded and followed him out to the dojo.  
  
   
  
Day 2, 10:05 AM  
  
   
  
"We've been here for an hour! Doesn't he do anything besides his katas?" Quatre complained. Then remembering yesterdays fiasco with the bikers, he was grateful Wufei was so boring. So he shut up before he could encourage Duo to follow Trowa again.  
  
"Y'know, we could just-" Duo began.  
  
"No! Please, I don't want to follow Trowa again! No more bikers!" Quatre begged.  
  
Duo just looked at him and blinked. "I was going to say that we could just move up a little closer and get out of the sun."  
  
"Oh. Okay," Quatre said an they crawled forth from the security of a line of hedges into the shade of the dojo building.  
  
Just then there was a blur of movement and Wufei spun into the air, disappearing from view.  
  
"Nani! Where'd he go?" Duo asked, eyes wide in panic.  
  
"Hiyah!! Right behind you, Maxwell," Wufei said, the blade of his katana stuck beneath Duo's nose.  
  
Duo crossed his eyes looking down at the weapon. "Uh… hi, Wufei!"  
  
Wufei just glared. "What are you two bakas doing out here following me anyway?"  
  
"Um, nothing. Just came to-" Quatre said weakly.  
  
"Admire your katas. We poor Americans never get to see stuff like that," Duo finished.  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes and stood up. "Whatever." He brushed himself off and returned to practicing his katas. Duo and Quatre heaved a sigh of relief. Which was cut short as two Chinese style arrows thudded into a tree trunk next to their heads.  
  
"Point taken!" Duo yelled as they ran off through the garden.  
  
Day 2, 11:48 PM  
  
Duo yawned and stretched, placing his hands behind his head.  
  
"That was a lame movie," Heero said rising from the couch. "I don't know what you see in Pokemon, Trowa."  
  
"Those children are such weaklings. They have no right to fight," Wufei said. "Injustice."  
  
"Well, I liked it," Trowa grumbled. "I'm going to bed."  
  
"Me too," Heero agreed, following Trowa upstairs. Wufei soon followed, leaving Quatre and Duo alone in the living room.  
  
"Well, it looks like we'll never know who created that food," Quatre mumbled.  
  
"Look, I don't know but I'm still mad about what they did to me," Duo declared. "So I'm going to hide out in the kitchen and catch the cook when they come in the morning."  
  
   
  
Day 3, 2:07 AM  
  
"Little more coffee please."  
  
"Look Duo, I think you've had enough."  
  
Duo grabbed Quatre's shirt, hand shaking eyes darting about wildly.  
  
"I'll tell you when I've had enough! Now fill it up!"  
  
"But Duo… You've had six cups!"  
  
Quatre paled a little at Duo's desperate expression.  
  
"I need more coffee."  
  
"Okay, okay," Quatre stammered and filled his mug for the seventh time. "Jeez."  
  
   
  
Day 3, 4:53 AM  
  
"Can't stay awake... need more coffee…" Duo gasped fighting to keep his eyelids from snapping shut.  
  
"Quatre, you still awake man?"  
  
"A muffled snore was the only answer Duo received from his unconscious friend.  
  
"Oh no! You can't leave me! Quatre, say something, for the love of God, speak to me!"  
  
Quatre's head rolled to one side as he pressed farther against the wall. "No, please, no more bikers!"  
  
Duo just stared and blinked. Before falling asleep that is.  
  
   
  
Day 3, 7:38 AM  
  
A dark figure slipped past, keeping silently to the shadows. Delicately stepping over the two bodies hunched against the wall, it entered the black kitchen, and soon the faint sound of metal rang in the early morning.  
  
It was however, quiet enough to keep Duo and Quatre asleep. Well, at least Quatre. Duo on the other hand, was a light sleeper from surviving all the pranks he'd undergone working with the salvage crew.  
  
So his ears had already picked up the silent padding of feet on the rug. Yet his eyes remained closed and he did not move, so as not to alert the intruder. After the kitchen door had been closed, Duo's eyes flew open and he bent over Quatre, shaking him quietly.  
  
"Wake up!" he hissed. Quatre's eyes flickered for a moment before opening. Once he was fully awake they crept into the kitchen hugging the walls. The silhouette of a person was leaning over the stove, its back to them. Duo grinned as his hand shot to the light switch.  
  
The room was instantly flooded with light. To the shock of Duo and Quatre, there was not one but two men in the now brightly lit kitchen.  
  
"Wufei!" Duo cried. "And… Heero!"  
  
"You guys are the cooks? No way! I remember the last time you cooked Heero. Your food is lethal," Quatre said in shock.  
  
"And Wufei! I thought you said cooking was for weak onnas! What's up with this?" Duo asked incredulously. Then he pointed at Wufei with a spatulla in his hand and burst out laughing. "An apron?!"  
  
Wufei's face turned bright red. "Look, Heero was just teaching me how to cook since it's impossible to find any decent oriental food around here."  
  
"So then you're the one who put all that pepper into my food, weren't you? Come on, admit it, I know you did it!" Duo yelled.  
  
"What are you talking about you baka?! I did no such thing, although I must say that you deserved it!" Wufei retorted.  
  
"Hah! Don't you lie to me! I'll get you for this, Wufei! Omae O Korosu!"  
  
"Hey! That's my line!" Heero said.  
  
"Stay out of this, Yuy," Duo warned as he hurled himself across the kitchen at Wufei.  
  
"Guys, this is not the way! Violence is not the answer!"  
  
"Oh shove it, Quatre!" Wufei and Duo yelled as they continued fighting. Heero just watched, admiring all the bloodshed.  
  
"You fool, I told you I did not put pepper in the food!"  
  
"Bull! You did it and I know it!"  
  
Outside in the hall Trowa laughed quietly and walked away. "That's what he gets for following me around." 


End file.
